Yesterday, I was on the phone with a certain person who I'm struggling to be nice to. At some point in the conversation, I said, "I hope you feel better soon."
The instant I said that, my whole body rebelled. I felt hot, squirmy, and anxious. I knew that feeling, and I felt disgusted at myself for feeling it.
It's the feeling I get when I've told a lie.
Later in the conversation, as we were saying goodbye, I said, "I love you. Hope to see you soon!"
The feeling came back stronger than before. That feeling that I was saying something I did not want to say, that I did not mean, and that I was not telling the truth.
After I hung up the phone, I thought to myself in disgust, "Really? Really, Seal? You lied to someone about hoping that they feel better soon, that you hope to see them soon, and that you love them? You are a sick individual."
Honestly, I was more frustrated to myself that I couldn't love this person, than that I lied to them about it.
I spent a good deal of time wondering if I had actually lied. Thoughts and questions running through my head frantically. I felt like I was pacing outside a confessional. "You can't talk to someone who really loves you, and says it, and not tell them that you love them back, right? But wait...what if that didn't matter? What if all that really matters is that I lied? Maybe that's a sin. It probably is. But what else was I supposed to do?? She's not well and she needs comfort! I might not want to give it, but I don't have a choice!"
I stopped worrying for a while. I put it out of my head. I played with my brothers, laughed, made jokes, and pretended everything was fine. I felt fine for a while. And then came a nagging thought.
"You're more wrong for not wanting to say that you love her than for lying."
I realized that I actually might not really love this person because I don't want to. I probably haven't loved her for a few years now. I just feel like there's this emptiness in my heart for her. If someone was aiming a gun at her, I'd jump in front of her, but that would be out of duty. Not out of love. I try my hardest to love her and fail. I don't enjoy being around her, I feel slightly revolted whenever I suggest that we hang out, (I suggest so she doesn't feel I ignore her, and I feel that it's my duty to keep trying to love her), I hate doing things for her. She does not bring out a good feeling in me. I don't like her, and I don't love her.
And I have to wonder...is that a sin?
I don't think it is. But I don't know. And I can't stop wondering. There isn't an answer for this question. I can't sit down and explain the situation to someone. I can't ask them, "Is it a sin for me not to love someone even though I've tried and I've tried?"
It's nagging me still. I now know what those songs mean when they say, "I'm seeking absolution". I've never had to "seek" absolution. I just went and got it. It was no big deal.
But how can you be absolved for something that's not a sin?
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Dear Readers
Greetings and Salutations!
You've heard a good deal of me from my illustrious author, I'm sure. I'm that very fair Elanor of Narnia. Sealsy's darling muse. As she is...indisposed (let's pretend I don't kill her by telling her to do all her schoolwork and work on all her speeches like she should), I've taken over her blog (and her mind, by extension), and therefore am writing a guest post.
This goes out to one specific reader, actually. Miss Veronica. She recently commented this on my introduction post.
"I like Ian. Ello is much more annoying than he is. Though no doubt that's from being stuck living in Ettinsmoor. :P".
This offends me greatly. Ian is a very handsome, friendly, decidedly lovely chap, to be sure, but to say that I am much more annoying than he is? Really, my dear young lady, you have much to learn.
For one thing, Ian is very cocky. I, however, am the soul of humility. This may sound contradictory, but I am also very truthful, and thus must admit that I am very humble.
Secondly, I do not attract every girl within a six mile radius. This is rather self explanatory because Ian is very handsome and charming, whereas I am a girl, and it would be decidedly awkward if...you know. Ian is also very good at flirting, is kind, caring, and loving, and thus all the girls seem to enjoy his company. It's rather disturbing to me. But he means no harm by it, I'm sure.
Third...
* * *
Sealsy here. I'm not dead. And that was NOT Ello. Take a guess as to who it was. A certain redheaded king whose name starts with I.
"And ends in -diot?"
Possibly so, Ello. You have my permission to smack Ian as hard as you want now.
"I just knocked him out already. Hit him over the back of the head with a stool."
Okay. Sounds like he deserved it.
"Mhm. Miss Veronica, I was highly amused by your comment. I agree, I am far more annoying than Ian. Ignore whatever he said in that ridiculous letter of his."
You've heard a good deal of me from my illustrious author, I'm sure. I'm that very fair Elanor of Narnia. Sealsy's darling muse. As she is...indisposed (let's pretend I don't kill her by telling her to do all her schoolwork and work on all her speeches like she should), I've taken over her blog (and her mind, by extension), and therefore am writing a guest post.
This goes out to one specific reader, actually. Miss Veronica. She recently commented this on my introduction post.
"I like Ian. Ello is much more annoying than he is. Though no doubt that's from being stuck living in Ettinsmoor. :P".
This offends me greatly. Ian is a very handsome, friendly, decidedly lovely chap, to be sure, but to say that I am much more annoying than he is? Really, my dear young lady, you have much to learn.
For one thing, Ian is very cocky. I, however, am the soul of humility. This may sound contradictory, but I am also very truthful, and thus must admit that I am very humble.
Secondly, I do not attract every girl within a six mile radius. This is rather self explanatory because Ian is very handsome and charming, whereas I am a girl, and it would be decidedly awkward if...you know. Ian is also very good at flirting, is kind, caring, and loving, and thus all the girls seem to enjoy his company. It's rather disturbing to me. But he means no harm by it, I'm sure.
Third...
* * *
Sealsy here. I'm not dead. And that was NOT Ello. Take a guess as to who it was. A certain redheaded king whose name starts with I.
"And ends in -diot?"
Possibly so, Ello. You have my permission to smack Ian as hard as you want now.
"I just knocked him out already. Hit him over the back of the head with a stool."
Okay. Sounds like he deserved it.
"Mhm. Miss Veronica, I was highly amused by your comment. I agree, I am far more annoying than Ian. Ignore whatever he said in that ridiculous letter of his."
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Initiating Introductions
If you know me through Gmail, Homeschooldebate, G+, or you know me in real life like a non-creeper person, (I know I must have some friends in real life), then you know by now that I have characters that talk to me nonstop. It was basically their fault that I started a blog. So I could talk about them and get a rant about their annoying quirks out to the world (Yes Ian, you're very annoying sometimes), and maybe the occasional person would stop by and say, "Oh. She's mad. But in a very funny way." A mad woman with a blog, or something.
So I thought I'd start getting the introductions to my most prominent characters out of the way early on in this blog's life, so that if I made references to them later on, you'll know what I'm talking about. I'll give an image that's pretty close to my conception of the character, a basic overlook at their story, a description of the character, and a quote from them, because...well, they're always talking. I've already made a reference to one character, and posted a story about another, so we'll start with those. Later on, I'll probably post about more characters, but for now, I'll just introduce you to these two.
First off, Elanor Maureen Clement, better known as Ello.
Full name and title: Crown Princess Elanor of the Sword, Countess of Glasswater and Duchess of Etinsmoor.
Description: Six foot three, grey/blue eyes, dark brown hair, very skinny.
Age: 11 at the beginning, 18 at the end
Character: Hyper and bouncy much of the time, uses sarcastic humor whenever the situation allows. Has a quick temper, and can get violent easily. Sometimes pensive, and occasionally goes through bouts of silent depression.
Background: Elanor was the first character I ever wrote, in the first story I ever wrote, which was actually a fanfiction of Narnia and the Lord of the Rings. (Fanfiction is a story based on another author's story). She is the Crown Princess of Narnia under the Pevensies, and has trained with the Dunadain Rangers of Middle Earth. She is a diplomat, a master of the sword, and well accomplished with the throwing dagger. Her weapons of choice are a sword, a throwing dagger, a hunting knife, and a magic horn. Come the War of the Ring, she is the one who convinces her people to go to war against Sauron, and arrive with reinforcements at the Battle of Helm's Deep. She finally dies at the Battle of the Black Gate, attempting to save Aragorn.
Favorite Quote: "The only time when the word "kind" is used to describe you...is when the word "NOT" precedes it."
Second, King Ian of Dalros, or better known as just Ian.
Yes, this is the same Ian in the short story I recently posted. We (some friends and I) couldn't find a colored photo that looked like Ian. So, you lucky readers get two! The first is the basic "Ian" look, but it's in black and white.
Full name and title: Ian Alexander Jonathan Eric Dorminus, King of Dalros.
Description: Six foot even, green eyes, bright red hair. Rather on the lean side of muscular.
Age: 21
Character: ANNOYING. No, sorry. Cocky, but usually only for the fun of it. Immature when the situation allows, but always kind and caring underneath. Does his best to be "manly" at all times. Willing to listen if needed, but he prefers to be the one talking.
Background: Ian was away from home, training for knighthood, when he received word that his entire family, Mother, Father, and brother, had all been killed in a dragon attack on the capital city, and that his land was now in the control of a rebel duke. Ian heads back home, swearing to take his rightful throne, and more importantly, to slay any dragon he meets. However, through a rather stupid move, he ends up being bonded to a dragon, a rather affectionate one named Tandall, and has to learn to work with a creature he swore to be enemies with in order to take back his rightful throne.
Favorite Quote: "We should start a club for people who are awesome, yet are sick all the time. We could call it "Totally Sick People"."
* * *
So there you have it! These two are are probably my favorites, though Katie comes pretty darn close. But I haven't introduced her yet. Oh, never mind, we'll do that later.
"I swear, you're really annoying when you ramble."
Thank you Ian, for your lovely input. You have now made yourself sound like a jerk.
"Did you not write that I was grinning when I said that and poking you in the shoulder?"
No, I didn't put that bit in. I like making you sound like a jerk.
"Well, gosh, thanks! Love you too."
"Ian, shut up, you sounded like a jerk even if the description was added in."
"Thanks Ello. You're so loving and kind. Such a great friend. We all know that you only insult your friends."
"I insult my enemies too. A lot."
...this is seriously continuing in my head, but I'm going to cut it short. You don't want to hear it. Trust me.
So I thought I'd start getting the introductions to my most prominent characters out of the way early on in this blog's life, so that if I made references to them later on, you'll know what I'm talking about. I'll give an image that's pretty close to my conception of the character, a basic overlook at their story, a description of the character, and a quote from them, because...well, they're always talking. I've already made a reference to one character, and posted a story about another, so we'll start with those. Later on, I'll probably post about more characters, but for now, I'll just introduce you to these two.
First off, Elanor Maureen Clement, better known as Ello.
Description: Six foot three, grey/blue eyes, dark brown hair, very skinny.
Age: 11 at the beginning, 18 at the end
Character: Hyper and bouncy much of the time, uses sarcastic humor whenever the situation allows. Has a quick temper, and can get violent easily. Sometimes pensive, and occasionally goes through bouts of silent depression.
Background: Elanor was the first character I ever wrote, in the first story I ever wrote, which was actually a fanfiction of Narnia and the Lord of the Rings. (Fanfiction is a story based on another author's story). She is the Crown Princess of Narnia under the Pevensies, and has trained with the Dunadain Rangers of Middle Earth. She is a diplomat, a master of the sword, and well accomplished with the throwing dagger. Her weapons of choice are a sword, a throwing dagger, a hunting knife, and a magic horn. Come the War of the Ring, she is the one who convinces her people to go to war against Sauron, and arrive with reinforcements at the Battle of Helm's Deep. She finally dies at the Battle of the Black Gate, attempting to save Aragorn.
Favorite Quote: "The only time when the word "kind" is used to describe you...is when the word "NOT" precedes it."
Second, King Ian of Dalros, or better known as just Ian.
Yes, this is the same Ian in the short story I recently posted. We (some friends and I) couldn't find a colored photo that looked like Ian. So, you lucky readers get two! The first is the basic "Ian" look, but it's in black and white.
And the second is a beautiful drawing of Ian done by my lovely friend known as Swift Darkness. :D
(No, Ian doesn't usually wear jeans and t-shirt. But Swift has creative license to dress him in whatever she wants.)
Description: Six foot even, green eyes, bright red hair. Rather on the lean side of muscular.
Age: 21
Character: ANNOYING. No, sorry. Cocky, but usually only for the fun of it. Immature when the situation allows, but always kind and caring underneath. Does his best to be "manly" at all times. Willing to listen if needed, but he prefers to be the one talking.
Background: Ian was away from home, training for knighthood, when he received word that his entire family, Mother, Father, and brother, had all been killed in a dragon attack on the capital city, and that his land was now in the control of a rebel duke. Ian heads back home, swearing to take his rightful throne, and more importantly, to slay any dragon he meets. However, through a rather stupid move, he ends up being bonded to a dragon, a rather affectionate one named Tandall, and has to learn to work with a creature he swore to be enemies with in order to take back his rightful throne.
Favorite Quote: "We should start a club for people who are awesome, yet are sick all the time. We could call it "Totally Sick People"."
* * *
So there you have it! These two are are probably my favorites, though Katie comes pretty darn close. But I haven't introduced her yet. Oh, never mind, we'll do that later.
"I swear, you're really annoying when you ramble."
Thank you Ian, for your lovely input. You have now made yourself sound like a jerk.
"Did you not write that I was grinning when I said that and poking you in the shoulder?"
No, I didn't put that bit in. I like making you sound like a jerk.
"Well, gosh, thanks! Love you too."
"Ian, shut up, you sounded like a jerk even if the description was added in."
"Thanks Ello. You're so loving and kind. Such a great friend. We all know that you only insult your friends."
"I insult my enemies too. A lot."
...this is seriously continuing in my head, but I'm going to cut it short. You don't want to hear it. Trust me.
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