Yesterday, I was on the phone with a certain person who I'm struggling to be nice to. At some point in the conversation, I said, "I hope you feel better soon."
The instant I said that, my whole body rebelled. I felt hot, squirmy, and anxious. I knew that feeling, and I felt disgusted at myself for feeling it.
It's the feeling I get when I've told a lie.
Later in the conversation, as we were saying goodbye, I said, "I love you. Hope to see you soon!"
The feeling came back stronger than before. That feeling that I was saying something I did not want to say, that I did not mean, and that I was not telling the truth.
After I hung up the phone, I thought to myself in disgust, "Really? Really, Seal? You lied to someone about hoping that they feel better soon, that you hope to see them soon, and that you love them? You are a sick individual."
Honestly, I was more frustrated to myself that I couldn't love this person, than that I lied to them about it.
I spent a good deal of time wondering if I had actually lied. Thoughts and questions running through my head frantically. I felt like I was pacing outside a confessional. "You can't talk to someone who really loves you, and says it, and not tell them that you love them back, right? But wait...what if that didn't matter? What if all that really matters is that I lied? Maybe that's a sin. It probably is. But what else was I supposed to do?? She's not well and she needs comfort! I might not want to give it, but I don't have a choice!"
I stopped worrying for a while. I put it out of my head. I played with my brothers, laughed, made jokes, and pretended everything was fine. I felt fine for a while. And then came a nagging thought.
"You're more wrong for not wanting to say that you love her than for lying."
I realized that I actually might not really love this person because I don't want to. I probably haven't loved her for a few years now. I just feel like there's this emptiness in my heart for her. If someone was aiming a gun at her, I'd jump in front of her, but that would be out of duty. Not out of love. I try my hardest to love her and fail. I don't enjoy being around her, I feel slightly revolted whenever I suggest that we hang out, (I suggest so she doesn't feel I ignore her, and I feel that it's my duty to keep trying to love her), I hate doing things for her. She does not bring out a good feeling in me. I don't like her, and I don't love her.
And I have to wonder...is that a sin?
I don't think it is. But I don't know. And I can't stop wondering. There isn't an answer for this question. I can't sit down and explain the situation to someone. I can't ask them, "Is it a sin for me not to love someone even though I've tried and I've tried?"
It's nagging me still. I now know what those songs mean when they say, "I'm seeking absolution". I've never had to "seek" absolution. I just went and got it. It was no big deal.
But how can you be absolved for something that's not a sin?